Today...

Today I had a lot of time to think and with that came a whirlwind of thoughts the most dominate however was what if people just said what they ment or how they really felt. Would it really be so bad? I mean then you would never have to spend time thinking what is he/she/they thinking and why, because you would know. What are we afraid of? Is it really the unknown because if you knew you would no longer have to worry or think about the issue anymore. Maybe knowing exactly what people thought of you all the time would be difficult and often times it would probably be mean, but maybe we would all be different if we all knew that the stranger next to you was really going to tell you if you looked ridiculous in an orange pea coat purple jeans and yellow rain boots. Or another example a job interview you go in, start talking, and before you leave the company gives you an answer,because lets me honest people the majority of the time we know whether the person interviewing is the right fit or not within the first few minutes. So why the drama of letting them hold on to the hope that they might be chosen? Why does hope hurt so much when its dashed? How many times have we found ourselves picking up the shattered pieces of hope with tears streaming down our faces? I spend a lot of time now-a-days hoping, hoping for new job postings, hoping that today I might get an interview with one of the 100s of places I have applied to, hoping that my friends remember me, hoping that I am making the right choices in life, hoping that later when I look back on my life I won't regret the choices that I have made. But mainly, realistically, just hoping. The miraculous thing about hope is that it seems to be constantly mended and reshaped. People who have nothing to hope for or are pessimistic about everything repel people like skunk spray. But if we really stopped to think on how resilient hope is perhaps we could pass on our knowledge to the few less fortunate whose hope seems to be lacking.

Dropping out of grad school has given me a lot of time to stew and to self reflect. It has also given me a lot of hours of silence. And anyone who truly knows me will know that silence is something I strive very hard not to venture into. It makes me nervous. There is a famous philosopher, and this is me wishing I remembered his name, said that the reason we rely on so many distractions ipods, cell phones, the radio, chatter, video games ect. is that we are afraid of our own silence. We are in essence afraid of our own selves. Our own minds even. Being afraid of my own silence is funny but very relevant. I live in a world were ignorance is bliss, what you don't know can't hurt you. Its naive and illogical but I love it because it provides me with a safety that is dissipating in society. Now before you get too excited about ignorance, its not on big issues i.e. race, religion, abortion ect. its on a personal sense. I keep myself ignorant to things that I feel like I don't want to come into my life. I realize that is basically the definition of ignorance but we all have to honestly admit that their are things in this world that have no place in our lives. They neither make us a better person or help us grow and learn from them. It is to this ignorance that I refer to, everyone has this is their lives and it is this ignorance that provides me with a safety that I enjoy.

On a much lighter note the Utah State Aggies play tomorrow on ESPN ( I believe) at 10 MST and you should all watch because if nothing else the student body will be entertaining.