Women's Spring Fashion

Well its that time again when the magazines all begin flaunting the best ways to shed all of your hibernation weight, and plaster the shopping world with bronze beach ready bodies. So put down those girl scout cookies you paid way too much for and pick up a celery stick? Yeah that's not going to happen so I though the next best way to get ready for spring was to take a look at what the fashion world thinks is "hip." So pack away your dark colors that have kept you looking skinny through the winter and expose your too white skin to the world for spring. Don't worry one of the seasons key accessories is sunglasses so go ahead and "take it off" as Ke$ha would say. All of the fashion trends found today are from the ever helpful magazine Glamour.

1. The first trend for spring the ever popular 60's coat that comes in an A-line shape (aka no shape at all) and the coat must be in a bright "cheeky" color. I don't know about you but when did yellow become a cheeky a color? If your cheeks are yellow you might have a case of jaundice and should probably see a doctor. As you can see with this yellow "coat" I quote coat because do you see anyway to remove this coat without say everything else your wearing? So apparently another spring trend is that clothing underneath your "coat" is optional because nothing says spring like going full body commando under your "coat/dress". Trust me ladies the bus driver wont need a bus fair if your not wearing clothes under your 60's coat. However, I am not sure that Mrs.Brady would agree with your free lovin' ways.


2.The Slinky 70's Dress: Designers couldn't pick which decade was the worst the 60's or 70's for clothing choices so they picked both of them. Glamour's writers had this to say about this wonderful choice "Get all Studio 54 this spring (well, minus the whole messy party scene) with a satiny ready-to-dance dress." First off what is studio 54 you ask? after a quick Google search it is apparently the 70's and 80's term for rave. My favorite line from Glamour is to use grown up colors like ink, emerald or sapphire so that you don't look "scandalous in the lingerie-like fabric." if the fabric looks like something you would buy at the Persian peacock calling the fabric scandalous isn't going to change the fact that everyone else in the room is thinking your a slut. But don't let that dismay you from this great spring dress. I mean who doesn't want to look like a slutty, excuse me scandalous, wife of Frankenstein stuck in the 80's?


3.Military(ish) jackets and vests: Just a thought but this vest doesn't look military in any form. The picture does a better explanation than I ever could. But if after looking at it you too find yourself scratching your head your not alone my friend you are not alone. I think that if your going use military to describe your type of clothing its got include the following cameo, guns, flag, POCKETS, a name tag, and be able to help you be self sufficient in a hostile environment. The only hostile environment this vest is going to survive in is the clearance rack. Which is where it is going to end up in six months due to its non-saleability to those of us with eyes.


4. High-waisted flare jeans: While I think getting rid of skinny jeans and ultra low waisted jeans would be an improvement. I can't count the times my eyes have been scarred by some not so "skinny" skinny jeans and the ever present problem of whale-tail showing. Do we really have to go to extreme opposite? I mean seriously designers why can't we just agree that jeans can come in lots of different cuts and that they can all be popular? The girl wearing these jeans is probably pushing 6ft tall and the jeans look really good on her, but what about the rest of America that isn't built like a professional basketball player doesn't wear size 0? I'm thinking we are all going to look just as ridiculous in this new "fashion" as we do now in skinny jeans and jeggings (aka stretch pants).


5.The anything goes look: This outfit looks like this girl either got in a fight with her wall paper or just loved it so much that she had to put it on. If anything goes is a look I think we should all stay away from it!! I love that the suggestions on wearing this look are as follows "Stick to one or two colors (or a few in the same family) when mixing and matching to avoid the crazy-lady look." Hate to break it to all the any-thing-goes lovers out there it doesn't matter if you stay in the same family or stick with one or a hundred colors your still going to look like a freak and I guarantee the friend that went with you to pick out this outfit LIED to you when she said it looked great. If anything she just wanted something to post on her Facebook wall. So put down the wall paper glue and step away from the curtains and go find some normal clothes to wear or don't whatever!


6.The Flatform: Ahoy matey! Look at your shoes now back to mine now back to yours. Can your shoes sail you from Florida to San Luca? No, well have I got a special for you! what am i wearing you ask? Why its the Flatform of course. What is a Flatform you ask? Why it is the crock of high heels of course. While these might actually be comfortable they look so bad that anyone who was going to talk to you just got distracted by trying to decided if these shoes would allow you walk on water. So while Glamour hails these as the best spring accessory, I would say take a pass and purchase shoes that actually look like shoes instead of shoes that look like they could double as a floor sander. I am on a horse! Hi-ya


7.Japanese Inspired style: I don't know about any of you but I have never seen a Japanese person look like this model! I fell bad that the county is even associated with this! It makes me wonder what clothing other countries say about us! Be prepared to see the following this spring for your Japanese purchasing pleasure "obi belts, kimono-like coats and satiny pieces in festive blues and pinks." The only rule don't wear them all at the same time or it will look like a costume. So all you costume clad Japanese people had better go nude!


8. Serious Pants: as opposed to those harem, gaucho, or clown pants you've been wearing. Honestly I am not sure how these pants look any different then the work pants you have hanging in your closet. Other than the designers made these pants look like this girl jumped a gondola driver from Italy. And what's with blue turban thing? I am all for international awareness but must we wear a piece from every country? What if I want serious pants but I am not from a serious country? for instance like Jamaica? What then fashion people? So put on your Turban, put on your Italian gondola shirt, and grab your serious pants your going to work!


Last but not least my favorite fashion. There are no words needed to hype up this spring trend. Keep in mind this was designed by someone who is setting fashion trends, and then he talked a model into wearing it! How society takes fashion seriously I will never know, which is probably why I don't have any. One word PRICELESS. All I can say is that if you are going to rob the credit union please where this!


So there is six new fashions for you ladies to tryout this spring! Fashion is a fickle friend telling us things that look utterly rediculous are beautiful. Happy shopping!

Men's Fall Fashion

Okay so this is a part of my letter to Taylor...he asked me to send him the latest scoop on what was in fashion. And since I am not very trendy but probably THE best sister on the planet I went to GQ.com and searched until I found this "The Ten Best Looks for the Season." Honestly, I have no clue what season it is for but when you have a gander at these pics you'll understand what made them so post worthy. I decided to dabble in my fashion journalism skills as well so you have the benefit of my own personal commentary to walk you through how to best wear these fashions! Enjoy!

1. The Plaid Shirt: I am not sure how I feel about this fashion trend. Some people pull it off effortlessly others just look like they woke up, picked up a plaid shirt and thought hmmm I know I don't have a blue ox but if Paul Bunyan could pull off plaid so can I. Now all I need Folgers in my cup!


2. The “cooler” baseball jacket. I am not sure that baseball jackets can ever be cool on people who don’t actually play baseball but gentlemen it's your image. How will you know if you have truly picked a "cooler" baseball jacket? If your jacket is streamlined so as not to add extra drag on windy days and made of in a super thin fabric. the look is suppose to look like it barely skims the frame. I hope you know what all this fashion mumbo jumbo means, because don’t ask me to explain it to. I think guys look hot in a good pair of jeans and a t-shirt, but I digress.


3. White Jeans: break free of your Memorial Day delusions! The only rule to white jeans according to GQ is straight leg cut only. The true rule to white pants, NEVER EVER where them! I feel like I am watching someone openly display their support for the 70's and John Travolta when I see men in white jeans. I don't care how cool you think you look putting white jeans on when your not a) John Travolta and b) living and dancing in the 70's your just not going to be able to pull off this fashion. This fashion IS NOT going to help you pick up girls. White jeans look ridiculous and keeping those puppies clean is going to cost you an arm and leg at the dry cleaners. (picture #2 is demonstrating the horrifying fashion known as white jeans)

4.The Grown-man’s sweatshirt: What is a Grown-man's sweatshirt you ask? It is simply a fitted crew-neck aka a sweatshirt without a hood. The trick to rocking your Grown-man sweater is to pair it with collared shirt underneath. Keep the sweater in the neutral colors of grey, white, black, red, ect.


5. Denim Shirt: I looked at many variations of this look and it just looked weird. I am not sure I would approach a guy wearing one without asking him where the round-up was. Anyway they gave guys some suggestions for rocking this style. Wear it under a suit (which would look really weird) under a cardigan (so you can look like a mixture of a Marlboro cowboy and Mr. Rogers) or with a tie. It’s going to take a lot more than a tie to make this look actually work. If a highly paid male model couldn’t pull it off 99% of the male population who tries this look is NOT going to be able to pull it off.

6. A Fitted Cotton Sport’s Jacket. There wasn’t any special instructions with this look I guess they assume you know how to wear a sports jacket. My advice…get one that’s NOT made out of cotton it’s a pain in the butt to iron it every time you want to wear it.

7. Upturned Cuffs on your jeans are back in. You just fold your jeans right up to the top of your shoes. This looks so funny. You can now wear your pants as though you need to cross a stream but actually be on dry land. Better yet your water crossing pants can now pass as a fashion statement. I am just not sure how anyone would rock this. I mean I feel like I should walk up to you and tell you that when you tied your shoes this morning you forgot to roll down your pants. I feel like it would be supremely awkward to have a conversation with someone when their pants were rolled up. The whole time I would be wondering if they knew their pants were rolled up and whether or not I should tell you. Thus resulting in a very stilted conversation with lots of pauses and confusion.

8. Grey Sneakers. I am not sure what the point of having shoes that look like converse shoes but are grey is. The site told me it was a more wearable look. Like you could wear those to work because even though they look like converse shoes they’re actually grey so they’re not. WHAT?! No, you still look like your wearing sneakers to work…the real question is why you couldn’t find some cooler ones because seriously grey just says BORING! And in case you were wondering how much your drab shoes would cost you a very reasonable $338.

9. Bolder V-neck colors. Get out of your drab copy-cating of Simon Cowell and into a bright colored V-neck in fuchsia, or aqua. I am not sure but both of those colors are found in a women’s section as well so I am not sure I would go with those if straight is the image your wanting to project. Anyway pair your new bold V-neck with a polo shirt in a complementary color or go basic with white and black. I am not sure how I feel about this look. It screams high maintenance and I feel like with two shirts on it would make you hot (like body temperature hot) and thus you would sweat more. And the more you sweat the less hot (as in good looking) you’re going to look.


10. Last but not least the Storm Jacket. What is a storm jacket you ask? Why a jacket you could wear in a storm. Duh! But that's not all this jacket has oh no it has enough inside pockets to keep a three day supply of food,a first aid kit, and a onetime use inflatable raft for when your “storm” turns into a flash food situation. No but really what is a storm jacket? I really have no idea it looks like a regular jacket to me.

Well that concludes today's post. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed commentating on it. I was going to hand draw each picture but I wanted you to be able to tell what it was. Perhaps I will do woman's fashion next. Because as ridiculous as these "fashions" are, women by far take the cake in the category of "What are You Wearing."